How To Ruin Your Relationship In Ten Steps (If You’re A Writer)


1)      Whenever you are asked to cook, clean, do anything…tell them you’re an artist

2)      Take drugs to increase your creativity – Everyone knows a little weed, a gallon of alcohol, some of the hard stuff helps you cross that bridge from the constraints of reality to the freedom of fantasy.

black woman3)      Explain your work to them…slowly – your significant other doesn’t quite get how a balloon symbolizes the puffed up and childish attitude of politicians in government today. But that’s ok; it’s understandable really, they are nowhere near as well-read as you are.

4)      Dedicate your book to everyone but them – your agent, your editor, your parents, your friends, the taxi driver who inspired one of your characters, the first teacher who gave you a star in English, and your dog for staying up with you at night.

5)      Force them to read every draft – You only changed one sentence in draft three, but you know that it transforms the entire feel of the story and they need to read the whole thing again to experience it.
6)      Throw a prissy fit whenever a single word of your manuscript is criticized.

7)      When you are frustrated with your work, scrunch the paper and throw it at your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s head. If you don’t use pen and paper, throw your laptop.

8)      Create a whole new language for your novel (Tolkien style); and then speak to your partner in it (it is essential to also pause and wait for a reply).

9)      When asked if there are any struggles in your life from which you draw your inspiration from, answer yes – your partner can be a real ****head.

10)   Write a book or poem about them – A lot of writers draw inspiration from what goes on around them, what they witness. So who better to use as the foundation for the antagonist in your novel than your spouse? Remember how your husband forgot your birthday? Write a poem about it. Can you recall when your girlfriend stood you up in a restaurant, use that as a basis for your play!

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Oyinkan Braithwaite

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May 2019
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